I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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