So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
