i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
