Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
