We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
