Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
