i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She needs sedatives and a leash
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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