Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
