i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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