You smell like a Billy Joel song
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
