i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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