you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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