You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
