News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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