Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
