he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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