Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
