And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
