Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
