So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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