Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
