Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
