keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
