i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
