I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
