i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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