Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
