there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize