My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
