I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
