I'm drive I can fine osifer
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
