He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
