ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
