Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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