He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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