I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
