xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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