I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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