well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
