The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
