Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
