K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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