did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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