Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
wanna go halves on a baby?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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