Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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