the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
