Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
