Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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