my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
