Sorry, I don't speak sober.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
