who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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