I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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